Jun 23, 2016

Posted by in Awesomeness, Fruit For Thought, G.I.G., Love, Sex, Trust In God, Understanding, Wisdom | 0 Comments

20 Years Later


20 Years

Photography by Kiyah C. Photography


My Abba,

Sometimes I wonder why You chose me. What was there about me that screamed, “Pick me?!” And, no lie, there have been times that I wished You didn’t pick me. If I had the choice of picking someone to remain faithful to a vow of sanctification, I would not have picked the one who struggles with fear of rejection, who constantly feels undesired, and oh yeah, who also fights the urge to please people every minute of the day. But, that’s just what You did. You picked me, the broken girl with all the aforesaid baggage. Why???
When I made that vow to You back in the Fall of ‘96, I was only a child and I had no idea what I was committing myself to. I was the epitome of Matthew 15:8. I made the vow with my lips, but my heart was 100,000 miles from You. And, honestly, I had no idea that the pledge I made that day would challenge me to painfully unpack every piece of baggage I was carrying. Little did I know that vowing to abstain from sex would increase my chances of rejection, and as a result, make me feel even more undesired. Also, it made me become so peculiar that fitting in to please people was close to impossible. 
To be completely honest, I resented my vow for a while, because it exposed my heart to feelings I was trying so desperately to escape. When I wasn’t being rejected, I was made fun of, and treated as though something was wrong with me (by unbelievers AND believers alike). In my mind, the only way to escape the “dungeon” and “break the curse” was to get married. But, that wasn’t as easy as I thought. It was as though “Someone” was standing in my way every time I tried to make a relationship work. Since every attempt to “get out” was sabotaged, I got so frustrated and tired that I finally surrendered. I stopped fighting You and I stopped trying to run away from You.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I started seeing things differently. That’s when I promised You I would stop trying to make it happen (meeting someone), and trust You to do it. For me, that was a big sacrifice, but I tried it my way for years and all it brought was pain and disappointment. So, since I was no longer running after guys (to get away from You), I decided to start running after You (to get closer to You). It was then that I realized that all those years You weren’t standing in my way to be mean, but You were there to be my shield. Even when I fought You and got mad at You, You didn’t change Your stance. You kept me covered with Your feathers and allowed me to reside under Your shadow. I see now that I was in a beautiful place, not a dungeon.
When I finally stopped running long enough to catch Your breath, I could see so clearly that purity was apart of my purpose. You set me aside for a reason, and it wasn’t just about me. Now, I can see that I am the epitome of 2 Timothy 2:20-21. You intentionally set me aside because You have great use for me. I had my sights on the wrong things all along. I was never rejected; I was hand-picked. I was never undesired; I was sought after. And, I was never meant to please people; I was created to please You…I am Your fine china.
October of this year will make 20 years since I said I would wait because of You. Although, I thought this vow would have been fulfilled by now, if I had the opportunity to go back, I would honestly do it all over again. This journey has not been easy, by far, but it has been worth it. When I think of all the harm I was protected from and all the healing I’ve experienced, I can’t help but thank You for allowing me to momentarily feel rejected and undesired so You could help me realize who I really am – Your chosen, beautiful daughter. You’re a good Father. Even when I didn’t understand Your love, You continued to love me. You knew just what I needed. Thank you, Abba.
I will always be Yours and You will always be mine…
Gratefully Yours,
P.S. – Also, thank You for opening my eyes to see what a precious gift I have to give my future husband. **G.I.G**

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